


Ambassadors

by SORD



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, International Relations, ambassadors, awkward oblivious slow-burning relationships, everybody knows but them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2017-11-25 19:09:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/642073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SORD/pseuds/SORD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter what it looks like, Shikamaru and Temari have a purely professional relationship. Seriously. Please stop asking about it, it's really obnoxious.</p><p>She's the ambassador, for crying out loud. That's it.</p><p>Seriously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

After the war, Temari comes to Konoha to help administrate the Chuunin Exams. Shikamaru is assigned to guide her. The village has changed a lot since she was last there, and she needs someone to show her the new layout. 

He's given the assignment because he's between missions, and they know each other from their platoon in the war. It's an easy job - walk her around town, make sure she knows where the offices are, take her to get food because she doesn't know the local restaurants. Mundane stuff. They don't talk much, and when they do, it's strictly business. 

They avoid discussing the war. Most people do.

-

The second time she's in Konoha she needs a guide again. The village keeps growing, and the offices have been shuffled around. The Hokage's headquarters are now in the old Jonin standby center, her previous offices have been converted to various administrative offices, and the security systems have been upgraded. Due to some confusion about arrival dates and misplaced paperwork, Temari doesn't have a security access scroll, so she can't get anywhere she needs to go without an escort. 

Shikamaru is assigned to her again and basically serves as a walking key, letting her in and out of buildings. They talk some, mostly about the weather, things back in Suna, current events in Konoha. 

She's partial to chrysanthemum tea. She likes to watch the flower unfurl in her glass.

\- -

The third time she's scheduled to arrive Shikamaru shows up in Tsunade's office and sighs heavily. "I suppose I'll have to guide her around again, right?"

Tsunade blinks in surprise. 

"Oh, I hadn't . . . I suppose so. Yes. Please do."

He shoves his hands in his pockets and saunters off to the gate to meet the ambassador. 

When she arrives she smiles wolfishly and punches him on the arm. "Good to see you, crybaby. Where are we going for lunch? I'm starving."

"Your choice. You're the honored guest, after all. I'm just your lowly escort."

"Hmmmm." When she's thinking, she squints her eyes a little and bites her lower lip. "Somewhere with fish. That'd be a treat."

\- - - 

"This place is nice," she says, sipping her water. "Not too many people." 

"That's why I like it. How long will you be here for?"

"Three months." 

"Just three months? Seems weird for an ambassador."

"Well, three months in Konoha, three months in Suna, alternating. So I'll be here six months each year ."

"Are you all right with bouncing back and forth like that? It seems like it'd be pretty stressful."

Temari arches an eyebrow. "Stressful? It's my job. It doesn't matter if I'm ok with it or not."

"I guess so."

"I don't really mind, anyway. I like Konoha. It's relaxing."

"Well, I'm glad you're the ambassador. It'd be a real hassle to have to show someone else around."

Temari has an odd look on her face. If he didn't know better, he'd say she was pleased. "I'm surprised I have a guide again. I know Konoha pretty well by now, I think." 

"Well, it's my assignment. Pain in the ass, but you know how it is. The Hokage says 'jump', you say 'how high?'" 

She laughs suddenly, like a hyena. "Yeah right. The Hokage says 'jump', you sigh and groan about how troublesome jumping is." 

"You think you're funny, but you're not."

"I know I'm funny. It's one of my many good traits."

\- - -

Three months can go by very, very quickly. When she leaves she smiles wolfishly and punches him on the arm. "Good to see you, crybaby. Thanks for breakfast, I was starving."

He watches her walk out the gate. He watches until she's out of sight. She doesn't look back.

\- - -

Three months can go by very, very slowly. Shikamaru realizes how boring Konoha can be. It feels too small, like a shirt that shrank in the wash. He fidgets and lies around and is so restless he can't decide where to stand or sleep or sit. He can't focus on reading or chess. His mother nags at him to sit still at the dinner table. Ino asks what bug crawled up his butt and Choji puts a friendly hand on his shoulder and rumbles "She'll be back soon, buddy."

"Who'll be back soon?" Shikamaru's hackles are raised, he's feeling dangerous right now.

"Your lady friend."

"And who might that be?"

"The girl from Suna! Gaara's sister. You don't need to hide it, everybody knows."

"If you're referring to Temari, the _ambassador_ from Suna, I was assigned to escort her while she was in Konoha. That's all."

"But-" Shikamaru can see Ino pinch Choji's leg under the table. It makes him want to grind his teeth but he shoves the feeling down and tries to enjoy the rest of the meal. They don't mention it again. Only six more weeks, he tells himself, not sure what he's counting down to.


	2. Chapter 2

Three days before the ambassador from Suna is scheduled to arrive, Shikamaru steps into the Hokage's office. 

"You'll be needing me to escort the ambassador again, I assume?"

Tsunade gives him a long, assessing look. 

"Hmmm. I didn't think to assign her an escort."

The room is much too hot. Shikamaru can feel sweat beading at the nape of his neck. 

"I suppose, though, it's appropriate for someone of her status. Good thinking, Nara. It's wise to show respect to the representative of our ally. Consider yourself assigned." Someone must have opened a window somewhere, because Tsunade's office is suddenly comfortable. There's a welcome, cooling cross-breeze. He wonders why he didn't notice it before.

"You're excused, Nara."

\- - - -

Shikamaru arrives at the gate early and shoots the shit with Kotetsu and Izumo. They're always good for light banter, the kind of casual conversation that can go on for hours without touching on anything important. They ask why he's here so early in the morning.

"It's a hassle, but I'm assigned to escort the ambassador from Suna. Again. You'd think she'd know her way around by now but apparently it's a status thing. Got to show respect for the Kazekage's sister and all. Politics."

"Oh, it's that blonde lady again? Tenari or whatever?" Kotetsu suddenly looks slyly at Izumo. "It'll be nice to see her. Girls from Suna are really hot." Shikamaru's shoulders tense. That is not how you talk about . . . about ambassadors. 

"Because they live in the desert!" Izumo finishes. The two explode into raucous laughter until Kotetsu chokes on his own spit and Izumo has to pound him on the back to get him breathing again.

It is at this point that Temari arrives, laden with offical-looking scrolls. 

"Oh, hello Terami! Great to see you! Kotetsu was just saying how hot people from Suna are - "

"Because you live in the desert," Kotetsu wheezes.

The ambassador blinks. "My goodness. I've never heard that before. It's quite funny."

Shikamaru is slouching with his hands in his pockets, but inside he writhes with embarrassment. Why is he friends with such awful people? 

\- - - -

She's shorter than he is, which is surprising for some reason. He always thinks of her as being tall, and it's off-putting to realize that he can see over her head. 

They chat as they walk, catching up. He asks after the Kazekage, and she smiles very faintly. "He's been very secretive lately. Sneaky. It was all extremely suspicious; Kankuro and I thought he might have a lover."

Gossip about political figures is always welcome. He'll store it away and tell Ino later. "Well? What happened?"

Her smile broadens. "He's been growing cacti."

"What?"

"Cacti. Cactuses. Whichever. He's been growing them. Apparently it's his hobby. He talks to them when he thinks nobody's around."

It's an oddly charming image. The most powerful man in Suna whispering to little plants. He smiles back at her. Temari has dimples - no, one dimple, in her right cheek. Her smile seems less wolflike today. Catlike, maybe. Crafty and pleased. Slightly less fearsome. 

He's smiling at her and she's smiling at him and as they turn a corner there are Ino and Choji, which is the worst possible outcome in this situation. Choji smirks and Ino gives him a knowing look, because once again he is friends with the most awful people. Shikamaru straightens up and walks a little behind the ambassador. It's all very formal and appropriate. 

"Oh, you're back! Good to see you, Temari! How long are you here for this time?" Choji's grinning broadly now and Ino keeps glancing between the two of them. 

"Three months. My standard assignment, unless the Kazekage calls me back early or the Hokage needs me to extend my stay. Speaking of, Shikamaru, will you please escort me to the Hokage's office? I should let her know I've arrived." The ambassador nods. "Akimichi. Yamanaka. Good to see you again."

Ino and Choji nod back. As they pass Shikamaru can hear them start to whisper. He thinks he'll keep the latest gossip to himself. Let Ino suffer for a while. He'll tell her when she gets her nose out of his business.

\- - - -

After the Hokage's office, Shikamaru walks the ambassador to her inn. She's still dusty and exhausted from travel so he leaves her to get settled. Before he goes, he asks if she'd prefer to eat alone in her room, and she sighs. 

"I've been on the road for three days straight. It'd be nice to have a conversation with someone other than myself."

"Well, where do you feel like going?"

"Somewhere with fish. That'd be a treat." She sighs. "Just like last time. I'm not very exciting, am I?"

Shikamaru shakes his head. "Exciting is overrated. When should I come by?"

"Six or seven would be good. I need to polish my fan."

If it were anyone else, he'd go for the easy joke, but it doesn't feel right. It's kind of sad to let the opportunity go, and he mentally waves it goodbye. Maybe he'll meet it again later on down the road. He nods at Temari and leaves. 

He might as well wash his face and put on a clean shirt. He hadn't noticed before, but he's gotten a little rumpled and sweaty. 

Maybe they'll go to the same place as before. It isn't the best in town, but it's nice, and there aren't too many people.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so short! The next one will be longer, I promise.

Shikamaru shows up outside Temari's room at five minutes of six and wonders if he should knock or wait around. While he debates, she opens the door. 

"You're five minutes early." She looks disapproving. "I suppose you might as well come in." Her hair is down, and still damp, but she's dressed in clean clothes and seems relaxed. "Take a seat, I'll be ready in a moment."

He sits on the couch and leans back, looking at the ceiling. "Women," he says with an exaggerated groan. "They always take so long to get ready and make everyone late. What a pain in the ass."

"Men," Temari replies. "They always think they know everything about everything. What a bunch of idiots. I'm ready to go now."

Surprised, he looks at her. She's put her still-damp hair up into its usual ponytails, and he kind of misses seeing it down. Not that it was any nicer, just something different. Interesting. 

She smiles and points at the clock on the wall. It's exactly 6 pm. Right on time.

How troublesome.

\- - - -

He can't think of anywhere else to go, so they wind up at the same quiet restaurant. They sit at the same table as before - in the back corner, away from the window. It feels private. 

They both order the same dishes they ate last time, and when the server leaves Temari smiles at him. "Exciting is overrated, right?" 

"It certainly is." She's so easy to talk to, wry and intelligent and opinionated. Their silences are the comfortable kind, ones that don't need to be filled. Just because they're not saying anything doesn't mean they aren't still having a conversation.

The place is quiet, and there aren't too many people, and Shikamaru is content to continue talking or not talking, whichever. Unfortunately, the bell above the entrance door jingles and two familiar figures step in. 

"Table for two, please?" says Sakura.

Ino follows. Her eyes meet his, and then flick away. She wants to pretend that everything's normal, he shouldn't worry or be curious, just two friends out for lunch together, but that eye flick. There's something meaningful behind that glance. Something's up.

"Oh, it's Sakura and your teammate. Yamanaka." 

"You know, I really like how you pretend to not know everyone's first name. It makes you look really cool. And tough. It makes you look incredibly tough."

"You know, I really like how you think you're funny when you're actually not. We've already established that I'm the funny one."

Shikamaru rolls his eyes. 

"Look at them," Temari says in a low voice. "No, don't turn so fast, just out of the corner of your eye."

He looks. Ino is smiling shyly at Sakura. Shyly. Ino never smiles shyly. She's never been shy in her life.

"They're in love." Now Temari is smirking. "They might not know it yet, but they're head-over-heels in love. It's adorable."

"How do you know?"

"I have a sense for these things." 

"Oh, like with the cacti?"

It's Temari's turn to roll her eyes. "In my defense, Gaara was having a liaison . It just wasn't with a human being."

Shikamaru laughs.

"See? I told you I'm the funny one."

"You are incredibly obnoxious."

"I know. It's one of my many good traits."

And Shikamaru thinks to himself, yeah, it kind of is.

\- - - -

Three months can pass faster than you can imagine. Shikamaru walks the ambassador to the gate. Kotetsu and Izumo are being boisterously obnoxious in their guard station, so he says his goodbyes quickly. 

"Have a safe trip back to Suna."

"I will, crybaby. See you in three months."

"Yeah, if I get this assignment again." All of a sudden, everything is awful and he's not sure why. Her smile twists a little in a weird way and she punches him on the arm. 

"Well, if you don't, it's been fun. Goodbye."

She turns and walks away. Shikamaru rubs his arm where she punched him. It's going to bruise. 

He doesn't watch her leave, this time. 

Three months.


	4. Chapter 4

Every step towards Suna is torturous. Temari must be out of shape, or the weather patterns are weird or something. The desert sunrises are too bright. The sand shifts beneath her feet and makes her ankles hurt. There are no trees to leap from, no shade from the burning sun, no shelter from the dry wind that chaps her lips.

She used to think the desert was beautiful and desolate. Now it just looks dead.

Living in Konoha must have made her soft, she thinks. She'll toughen up again in no time.

\- - - - -

A week passes, then four, then ten. She doesn't toughen up.

Suna is irritating. There's sand in her bedsheets. There's sand in her hair. There's sand in her sandals, which shouldn't be annoying, but is. If it's not sandy it's dusty, and if it's not dusty it's made out of rock.

Her paperwork is endless. She fills scroll after scroll - trade agreements, border designations, exchange programs. All the abysmal minutia of international relations. She has to translate everything into language the daimyo can understand, and it's difficult to explain the treaties to a civilian. She goes to bed every night and dreams in triplicate.

One day she looks up to see a living nightmare leaning against the doorframe of her office. Kankuro's grin is devious.

"The answer is no." she says, looking back down at her desk.

"Wrong," he replies. "I've seen the future, the answer is definitely yes."

"I'm too busy to deal with you. Go away."

Kankuro enters the office and picks up a scroll. She tries to snatch it back but he unrolls it and reads the title. "Oh my god. ' _Konoha Harmonized Tariff Protocol 3a - Bladed or Edged Weapon Rules of Origin._ ' Temari, seriously. There are clerks to do this stuff."

She shakes her head. "Kankuro, this is my job. A job is something adults do. When you grow up, we'll be sure to teach you all about it."

"Temari, it's the weekend. Days off something normal human beings do. Let's go to a cafe and make fun of the other other customers."

Temari manages to grab the scroll away from him and carefully re-rolls it. "I need to get this done. I don't have time to go play with you. Bring Crow if you want company."

"You used to be fun."

"No I didn't."

"Well, you used to be less un-fun. Come on, you'll like it. My treat." Kankuro is annoying, and when he whines he's particularly grating. He knows it, too, and Temari's tempted to go with him just to shut him up. She feels a little guilty - she's been neglecting her brothers and she knows it.

"Some other time, Kankuro. I promise." She looks back up in time to see Gaara glide into the room. Wonderful. Both of them at once.

"I understand how you feel," Gaara says mildly. "Unfortunately, your Kazekage is ordering you to join us for lunch."

Temari sighs.

How troublesome.

\- - - - -

They wind up eating in some dingy little hole-in-the-wall that smells delicious. It specializes in the kind of junk food they were never allowed to eat growing up. Everything they serve is either fried, salted, or both, and all of it comes on sticks. Gaara is picky and Kankuro is indecisive so Temari orders for the three of them, and they all watch in silent fascination as their food is lowered into hissing, boiling oil. It's served on paper plates translucent with grease.

Temari snags a skewer of scorpions and begins eat. When her mouth is full, Gaara launches his assault.

"A little bird told me that you are romantically involved with that Nara boy." Temari almost chokes.

"Excuse me?"

"The little bird is Takamaru. He's very small for a messenger hawk. I made up that joke myself." Temari has to admit that it's a very good joke, considering the source. "I've been corresponding with Naruto. He says, and I quote, 'they're totally in love and probably touch each others' butts all the time, gross.' He went on to say that it made him 'want to puke'." Gaara uses air quotes.

Across the table, Kankuro is barely containing his laughter. Temari hopes he inhales a scorpion stinger.

"Gaara, I'm the ambassador. They assigned me an escort. It was Nara. That's all."

"I see."

"I can personally guarantee that there has been zero butt-touching."

"Ah."

His 'ah' seems unconvinced, but Temari knows that protests would make her sound defensive. It's frustrating. She drinks her tea – it's over-steeped and astringent – and feels a sudden rush of aggravating fondness for her brothers. How could she ever want to leave? Everything she cares for is right here.

There's sand at the bottom of her cup. Fucking Suna.

\- - - - - 

Next week Gaara calls her into his office.

"You're tired."

"I'm not tired, I'm fine."

"You're tired and stressed. You're working too hard."

"I'm working hard because I need to work hard. If _I_ don't do it -"

"Are you hungry?" he interrupts.

"I . . . what? No."

"I only ask because you've been biting your fingernails. I had assumed you were hungry. Was I wrong?"

"Gaara . . . " She loves her baby brother, but sometimes he pushes the limits of her patience. "Gaara, I haven't been biting my fingernails."

"Give me your hand."

Temari complies, and he looks and her fingertips. She does too. Her nails are short and jagged. It almost looks like someone's been biting them. Fuck, Gaara's right.

Why has she been doing this? She hasn't bitten her nails since she was a teenager. When did she start again?

"Temari, if there's anything going on, I don't mind. In fact, you have my blessing. I'm not cut out to be a father but it would be nice to have a niece or nephew, and we both know Kankuro, so I'm relying on you." He smiles. "I've thought about it, and I would really like to put the Kazekage hat on a baby. I think it would be very cute."

"That's extremely presumptuous. But you're right, a baby wearing the Kazekage hat would be adorable. You could put it in your chair and take a picture."

They both smile.

"But please, please believe me, there is nothing like that going on. It's purely professional. We're together a lot because he's my escort, and I assume he was assigned because we know each other. Naruto Uzumaki is not a reliable source of information about my love life, or lack thereof. I'm not involved with Shikamaru. I'm not involved with anyone."

"All right, Temari. I believe you."

"Thank you."

Gaara steeples his fingers and looks at her steadily. The dark rings around his eye intensifies his gaze. He's so serious and so young, and sometimes it makes her a little sad.

"Do you still want the Konoha assignment?"

"I . . . what?"

"Please don't deny that you've been overworking yourself. I could reassign you to the training program, you've always been a good teacher."

His offer is a little tempting - she does like being Ms. Scary Teacher, and it's rewarding to teach a new generation how to crush Suna's enemies, and it would mean no more travel, no more paperwork, no more confusion -

_(Confusion about what, exactly?)_

\- but it's the kind of cushy job that would make her insane. She needs to be challenged. She likes to work hard.

Besides, living in Suna is already driving her out of her mind. She can't stop thinking about Konoha. You can buy fish whenever you want in Konoha. There's no god-damn sand in Konoha.

"Please don't reassign me, Gaara."

"I wouldn't, not unless you wanted me to. You and Kankuro are my left and right hands. Without you two, I'd never get anything done."

"You must have awfully long arms if your left hand is all the way in Konoha."

"Oh, I do. Look." Gaara pushes up the sleeves of his robe and holds his arms out. "See?"

"You're just full of jokes lately, aren't you?"

"I've been practicing."

"Well done. I'm very proud of you."

"All joking aside, I want you to slow down. You're no good to me if you burn yourself out."

Temari sighs. "All right, Gaara, I'll take it a little easier. There's less work to do when I'm in Konoha, I can relax a little when I'm there."

"Good. It's an order from your Kazekage and a request from your little brother. You're my only sister. You should take better care of yourself."

She ruffles his hair. "You're sweet to say so."

"I'm going to hold you to your word, you know."

"I promise I'll take care of myself." She has no intention of slowing down once she's in Konoha, but it it puts his mind at ease, she'll pretend to go along.

"I know you have no intention of slowing down once you're in Konoha, and you're going along to put my mind at ease, so I'm sending an enforcer with you."

"Excuse me?"

Gaara is practically grinning. "You heard me. You've got a chaperone. I hope you two have fun."

While Temari stands slack-jawed, Kankuro strides in.

"Don't worry, little brother. We're going to have a great time. Right, sis?"

She wonders what she did in a past life to deserve this fate. She must have been very, very, very bad.

This is going to be such a pain in the ass.


	5. Chapter 5

A week before the ambassador is supposed to arrive, Shikamaru lurks around the door to the Hokage's office. It doesn't take long for her to get sick of it. 

"Nara, I know you're out there. Get your ass in my office."

Tsunade doesn't even look up from her paperwork. "I know what you're going to ask, the answer is yes. In fact, consider it a permanent assignment. I don't want you bugging me about this every six months." 

Shikamaru blinks. "What? I didn't have anything I was going to ask, I'm just wondering what my next mission is."

She pinches the bridge of her nose. "You were going to ask me about the ambassador, and whether or not she should have an escort, and the answer is _of course_ , and the person assigned is going to be _you_ , and you'd better get accommodations ready for them because they arrive the day after tomorrow. Now get out of my sight, I have to do some actual work." 

"I - what, them?"

"Yes. You should probably set up two rooms, I don't know if she'll want to be sharing a room with him and it's better safe than sorry."

"Two rooms. For her and him."

"Yes, Nara, your listening and comprehension skills are impeccable as always. Go be intelligent somewhere else. I'm busy."

There are black sparks around his vision, like he's going to pass out. Everything feels very cold and distant, and there's a ringing in his ears. He must be getting sick. Maybe the flu.

He's queasy.

He shuffles off to arrange a room for the ambassador.

And, of course, _him_.

\----- 

Later on, everyone winds up their usual bar. It's a crisp fall night, and they're sitting outside, sipping their drinks and talking in low voices. It's rare for all of Shikamaru's friends to be in Konoha at once, and there are still a few people missing - Naruto's off on a training trip with Killer B, Sakura's pulling a late shift at the hospital and Lee's away on a mission. Still, it's almost the whole group.

Kiba's messing around with his guitar, fiddling with the tuning. Eventually he's satisfied and strums a few chords. Shikamaru hears them but they sound muffled. He feels like a ghost. He's made arrangements for the ambassador and her guest. The day after tomorrow he's going to meet them at the gate. He'll show them around. The ambassador and her companion. Whoever he is. 

"It'd be lovely if you'd deign to join us, Lord Nara," says Tenten, waving a hand in front of his eyes. "What's so interesting about that wall?"

"Oh, don't mind him, we're all just peasants. You can't expect him to notice us." Ino is laughing, but there's a bite to her words. She's annoyed about something, but he really can't bring himself to care right now. 

"Ahhhh, so that's why he's so grouchy." 

"I'm not grouchy. I'm tired. Am I allowed to be tired?" Shikamaru really has no patience for his friends' teasing. He thinks about getting up and going home but that's a lot of effort and he really doesn't feel like exerting himself. Now that he thinks about it, he _is_ tired, very very tired, and his brain feels slow. He wishes everyone would just leave him alone.

"Nope!" Tenten pokes at his forehead with her index finger. "But we'll leave you alone. Maybe Kiba will play you a lullaby and my poor little kohai can take a nap."

He wants to grumble that since he made chunin first, he's technically her senpai, but Tenten's relentless cheer is both an unstoppable force and an immovable object. The wisest course of action is to let her have her way, so he leans back and shuts his eyes.

"Yeah, it's better to just ignore him when he's like this." 

"Shh, Ino, don't wake the baby."

Kiba's actually playing something now, some stupid song about love and kissing and having fun and all that bullshit. Tenten starts singing and she's actually pretty decent. She's got a cute voice like a pop singer, and she's on-key, which is more than anyone can say for Kiba. 

They've got a pretty good rhythm going and everyone's being quiet and listening and the song just keeps getting sweeter and nicer and it's just _so. Fucking. Grating._

He's on his last nerve when the rest of the group joins in on the chorus. 

"Can you not?" he finally snaps, louder than he intended. It's like someone flipped a switch, and suddenly everybody's quiet and looking at him.

Ahhh, shit, he's hurt Hinata's feelings. "It's not that it's not good, I just- "

_Just what?_

"Have a headache, that's all. It's killing me." He has a headache. It's killing him. He didn't notice it before but he definitely has a headache.

Shino looks concerned, possibly, it's hard to tell with that guy. "Perhaps you are dehydrated. Drink a glass of water."

"Uh, ok. I guess." His water glass is too far away so he grabs Choji's, ignoring his friend's protests. In a few gulps it's gone and Shikamaru suffers one of the worst brain-freezes he's ever had. 

Tenten laughs. "It serves you right for ruining our fun, Your Highness." She's unflappable. Anyone else would be insulted, but she swats at his knee. "You're such a little prince. If you're not careful, I'll beat you up."

"I know why he's mad." Kiba's face has never looked so punchable, which is saying something, because it usually looks pretty punchable, even when he's asleep. "So how's your love life, tiger?"

"Don't bother asking him, he's just going to pout more." Ino is really in a mood tonight, she isn't usually so prickly. "Besides, I can tell you. I just don't know if you can call it a 'dry spell' if it's lasted your whole life." 

"Shut up, Ino."

" _You_ shut up."

"Guys, come on. Chill out," says Choji, looking distressed. It really bugs him when they fight, so Shikamaru shuts his mouth. Hopefully Ino will do the same. 

"Well you know what you _should_ do -" ah, excellent, Kiba has decided to enlighten the group with his vast wisdom, this is bound to be incoherent and borderline offensive, " - you _should_ get with that one girl."

"Thank you for that, Kiba, you're very helpful." Shikamaru's hoping that'll end things.

It doesn't end things.

"No, you know, that girl! Kankuro's sister. Temari! You should totally go for it."

"Kiba. Drop it."

"Ooh, touchy. Do you like her? I think you _liiiike_ her. You totally like her."

"Kiba. _Leave it._ "

"Oh shit, did you already ask her out? Did she say no? I'm so sorry, man."

"God damn it, nobody asked anybody out, nobody likes anybody, she's an ambassador and I'm assigned to escort her, that's it, and if anybody asks me again I'm going to strangle them with their own shadow because even if anything _were_ happening, _which there isn't_ , it would be my business and not yours, ok?"

And once again everyone's quiet and looking at him.

"Geez, dude, sorry. I was just joking around, I didn't mean anything by it."

"Whatever. I'm just going to go, I think." Shikamaru gets up. "I'm getting a cold or the flu or something." 

Tenten starts shrieking, because she's always been freaked out about germs and getting sick, and Choji pats his arm sympathetically. 

"Feel better, Shikamaru!" Hinata's so nice it makes him want to curl up and die. God, she's good at guilt trips. The worst part is she doesn't even try. He leaves before anyone makes him feel worse, and he can feel Ino glaring at his back as he walks out the door.

\----- 

The Nara compound is way over on the edge of Konoha, so Shikamaru has to walk through the whole town to get home. While he's passing the hospital, he almost walks straight into Sakura. 

"Oh, has everyone gone home already?"  

"No, they're all still there. I left early."

"Is everything ok?"

Shikamaru sighs heavily. "Yeah, I just think I'm coming down with something. Flu. Or whatever."

Sakura grins. "Well, come see me tomorrow. I've got clinic hours from nine to noon. I'll fix you up."

"Ugh. Really? That early in the morning?"

Her smile gets a little dangerous. "I'll see you at nine." She punches him on the arm and walks off.

He absently rubs his arm. It's going to bruise, which makes him sad, which is a stupid way to feel. What kind of crybaby gets sad when someone punches him on the arm?

 -----

At nine sharp Shikamaru is at the clinic. You aren't late for appointments with Sakura. Even Kakashi shows up on time to appointments with Sakura. She's just that kind of person, the kind where if you're late she'll punch you straight through a wall.

Sakura's already there with a clipboard. Her hair's tied back and she's wearing a crisp white coat. It looks very serious and official. Frightening.

"So, are you still feeling sick?" She's a really good doctor, but her bedside manner could work. 

"Hello to you too."

"You're healthy enough to sass me. I'll make a note of that." She actually does jot something down on the clipboard. "But hello. Now, are you feeling any better? Worse?"

Shikamaru sighs. "I guess about the same?"

"Ok. What are your symptoms?"

What are they, exactly? Kind of just general malaise, to be honest.

"Well, yesterday I felt queasy and kind of cold and dizzy, and then later I had a headache, and I'm just generally just really tired and run-down."

"All right. Let me check your temperature. If you've got a fever, it's probably the flu."

"That's going to be really troublesome, the ambassador comes tomorrow."

"Oh, Temari's  coming early? I bet Tsunade isn't happy about that. Are you her escort again?"

"Yeah. I'm the escort for both of them."

Sakura tilts her head. "There's another person coming? Do you know who it is?"

He shrugs. Even moving his shoulders takes effort, he really must be sick. "It's just some guy. I don't know who."

She looks at him funny. "Some guy. I see." God, he's really sick of women looking at him funny.

Suddenly she switches back to doctor-mode. "Well, let's check your temperature." He expects her to check using her chakra but she pulls a thermometer out of a drawer. 

"Before you ask, I'm not going to waste my chakra on you. I've got sicker patients later today and I'm going to save it for them. Now open wide."

He obeys, and she jabs the thermometer under his tongue. It kind of hurts, and he grunts. 

"Oh, does it hurt? Deal with it. Hold it there for thirty seconds."

Thirty seconds take a long time when you've got something painful under your tongue. Finally, after what feels likes an eon, Sakura takes the thermometer out.

"Hmm. No fever. I don't think you've got the flu."

"Are you sure?" 

"You sound like you _want_ to be sick. Are you trying to get out of your assignment?"

"No, I'm fine with it. I just don't feel well."

Sakura presses two fingers against his neck and prods under his jaw. "Your lymph nodes aren't swollen. I think you're ok. Get some rest and you should be fine."

"Ok. If you're sure."

This earns him a sharp look, and Sakura smiles her dangerous smile. "Just for that, I'm going to give you a shot of B vitamins."

Shikamaru can deal with getting stabbed, he's fine with broken bones, he was even ok when he dislocated his kneecap, but shots are in a league of their own. He's shaking as she preps the needle and almost faints when Sakura finally jabs him in the bicep. He has to sit with his head between his knees for almost five minutes while she laughs and laughs.

He finally manages a shaky laugh too, and honestly, he does feel a little better now.  

"I'd tell you to take it easy but I don't think I have to worry about that. See you later, Shikamaru."

He rolls his eyes. "Women. You think you know everything."

Sakura swats him on the head and sends him home.

\-----

He spends the rest of the day lying on his favorite bench and watching the clouds. Choji stops by for a little bit and they share a bag of chips in companionable silence. Eventually Choji sits up and looks at him 

"I'm not going to bug you about it, but if there's anything wrong you can talk to me."

Shikamaru rolls onto his side and looks up at his friend. "I know."

Choji pats him on the shoulder. "Just figured I'd remind you." He stands. "I'm gonna go visit Ino now. She's bummed about something." 

"Yeah, I can tell. You're better at talking to her, she just gets really defensive whenever I ask about stuff."

"Well, I give better advice. Not everything can be solved by playing shogi."

"Go be a comedian somewhere else, I've got important business to attend to. These clouds aren't going to watch themselves." 

Choji throws his head back and laughs. "You're ridiculous. All right, I'll see you later."

He leaves and Shikamaru goes back to looking at the sky. He tries to find shapes in the clouds but the only thing he can see is a four-leaf clover. All the other clouds just looks like clouds.

The ambassador arrives tomorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

The trip back to Konoha just as tedious as her last trip to Suna. Temari wants to race across the sand, dashing from oasis to oasis and spending the bare minimum of time resting. Traveling with Kankuro forces her to slow down - he keeps a deliberate pace and demands that they camp each night. They've left Suna over a week early, he argues, and the later they arrive the less annoyed the Hokage will be. He's infuriatingly correct.

So the journey, which in an emergency takes three days, drags on for five and feels even longer. At least once they cross the border into the Fire Country they are surrounded by forest and the air starts to feel cooler. She's always known that leaves change color in the fall, but she's never actually seen it. The colors are spectacular. She and Kankurou leap from the branches of a scarlet maple to a bronze oak to a still-green spruce. It's like running through a forest fire. 

When they've almost reached Konoha they pause to clean up. Kankuro pulls out a clean hood and Temari finds a change of clothes that's only slightly rumpled. Once dressed they turn to face each other critically. Kankuro licks his thumb and wipes away a few smudges on her cheekbone and Temari neatens up some of his makeup. They both smooth their hair and Temari re-ties her ponytails. Finally, they step back and look at each other ruefully. She sighs. "Well, I guess this is as good as we're going to get. Thank god it isn't our first impression."

He shrugs. "We'd look fantastic covered in mud and dressed in our old genin outfits. Don't want to dazzle the poor provincials, they'd never recover."

"Hmph. Vain creature."

"It's not vanity, it's reality. We're stunning. A couple of babes. Particularly me."

Squaring her sholders and lifting her chin, she turns toward the road. "Well, time to devastate some peasants. Let's go."

It doesn't take long before Konoha's enormous entry gate looms into view. There's someone waiting for them, but it's still too far to see who it is, A little spark of dread flickers to life and she bites the inside of her cheek to distract herself. Beneath her swaggering self-assurance she's always tended toward anxiety. It's not that she's not confident, because she knows that every boastful word is backed by hard-earned skill, it's just that she's been beset by worry her entire life - worry that she couldn't live up to her father's expectations, that she wouldn't be able to calm Gaara out of one of his rages, that she wouldn't be able protect Kankuro. She compensates by pushing herself harder and harder, and her emotional training has helped immensely, and now it only manifests itself as an occasional vague tension in her shoulders and stomach. 

But why is it happening right now? 

In a few minutes she can see the person waiting has a familiar slouch and ponytail. Her anxiety melts into anticipation.

It feels so good to be back. She really likes Konoha.

\------

Shikamaru seems glad to see them both, which is a relief. Gaara had sent word that Kankuro would be joining her, and it looks like it's not going to be a problem. 

"Nice to see you again," Kankuro says. "I'm here monitor my precious older sister. Got to make sure she takes care of herself, because she obviously can't be trusted." He moves to ruffle her hair but she dodges and slaps his hand away. 

"Are you ok? Are you sick or something?" Shikamaru sounds worried. 

"Sick of my busybody little brothers. They're being idiots. Gaara has this absurd idea that I'm working too hard, so he sent along a babysitter." She tries to sound annoyed, but their concern is sweet, if misplaced. "I don't work too hard, I work exactly as hard as I need to. It's not my fault every man in my life is lazy."

"Speaking of men in your life - "

"Kankuro, don't."

"Speaking of lazy men in your life - "

"I swear to god, I'll kill you - "

Undeterred, he turns to Shikamaru. "How many times have you touched my sister's butt?"

Shikamaru blanches. Temari seeths. Kankuro is inordinately pleased with himself.

"I - she - what? I mean. . . ah, um, we, I don't - " This is the most flustered she's ever seen Shikamaru, he's usually so unflappable. It'd actually be pretty funny if it weren't so mortifying. "She's the ambassador, I would never, I don't know what you heard but it's not true - "

"Man, calm down, you look like you're about to have an aneurysm," her brother laughs. "I'm kidding. Besides, who would want to touch her butt? There's nothing there. It's so flat you could use it for architectural drafting."

"You are my least favorite brother." She has to admit it's a little bit funny. Shikamaru's blushing. Even his ears and neck are red. 

"Anyway, I want to go visit that Akamaru guy." Kankuro's always been adept at changing the subject. Shikamaru's obviously relieved.

"Do you mean Kiba?"

"He's cool too, I guess. All you Leaf guys are hilarious."

"Well, do you want to drop your stuff off in your room?"

"Nah, Temari'll take care of it. Right, Tem?" 

Temari rolls her eyes. "You're awful. Here, give me your bag, I'll put it away for you. Do you want me to take Crow?"

Kankuro frowns. "Why would I want to leave Crow behind?"

Her brother is so weird. 

\--

Shikamaru directs Kankuro to the Inuzuka compound and then leads Temari to the inn. They walk in companionable silence until he clears his throat. 

"I got you a bigger room this time. Do you think Kankuro will mind if his is smaller?"

"Of course he will, he'll complain about anything. Just ignore him."

"Ok."

It's quiet for a few minutes and then, "I'm glad it's Kankuro."

"Hmm?"

"I'm glad he's the one who came with you." 

"Kankuro? Why? He's incredibly obnoxious."

He's looking at the sky while he walks. It's a wonder he doesn't trip. "I didn't know who you were bringing. I'm glad it's Kankuro."

He finally looks at her. She's never noticed before, but he only smiles with the right side of his face. It makes him look sly. She pictures him as a child, charming his way out of trouble with that lopsided grin. His teeth are very white and very straight.

"Meeting new people is just so troublesome, you know?"

She rolls her eyes. He turns away from her and whistles while he walks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry it's taken so long to get this out! i promise the next ones will be much faster.


	7. Chapter 7

Shikamaru wasn't kidding - her room is huge, practically a suite. There's a kitchenette and a sitting room and more than enough space for two people. A picture window looks out on the faces of the five Hokages carved into the cliff, and the late afternoon sunlight streams in. In an hour or so there'll be an incredible view of the sunset. It's nicest room in the inn. The bathroom is enormous. The little soaps smell like roses. There's a tub, for god's sake. It's ridiculous.

He really did his best for her. Because she's an important political figure, obviously, and whoever she brought with her would deserve equal respect. He's still so relieved that it's Kankuro; meeting new people is annoying. Remembering names and stuff. Handshakes. It's all too much trouble. 

They've already dropped Kankuro's bag in his (normal-size, unimpressive) room and now Temari is putting her fan away as Shikamaru leans against the doorframe. He feels a little awkward, but she hasn't said anything that would indicate she wants him to leave. He's hoping she's hungry. It'd be nice to grab an early dinner, especially if the Hokage's footing the bill. (Technically it would come out of the International Relations department's budget, but it all comes down to Tsunade in the end.) Maybe she'll want to go back to their restaurant. Maybe she's not hungry and she wants him to leave and is too polite to ask him. She's not usually polite but there's always a first time, and maybe he's making her uncomfortable. Maybe she thinks he's being weird and stupid. Maybe he is being weird and stupid. Maybe she forgot he was there. She'll probably ask him why he's still here, and then it'll be embarrassing for both of them. Maybe he's suddenly turned into what's his face. That one guy who worries about everything. Omoi. 

He clears his throat.

"Calm down, I'll be ready in a minute, then we can go. I want to wash my hands first." She disappears into the bathroom and he can hear water running. She comes back out shaking off her hands and looks a little apprehensive. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to assume, I just figured since it's what we always do . . . " 

"No, I'm getting kind of hungry. What do you feel like?"

"The usual?"

"Great. I was worried you'd want to try something new." He pauses. "We're so boring."

"No way." She reaches up and flicks him in the center of the forehead. "Hasn't anyone ever told you that exciting is overrated?"

His forehead stings a little and he smirks down at her. "My god, you're hilarious. I can't believe I ever doubted that you were the funny one. I concede."

"Shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you." She's grinning. "Come on, slowpoke."

He holds the door open for her and she struts ahead of him. She's so full of herself it's almost endearing. 

 

\----

At the restaurant, disaster strikes. The menu has changed. Their usual dishes are nowhere to be seen.

Temari leans in close. "What do we do?" she whispers in a mock-panicky voice.

"I don't know. I'm freaking out a little."

"Well think! You're supposed to be the genius!"

"I didn't plan for this! How was I supposed to know they'd change things! They've never changed things before!"

She scans the menu and looks skeptical. "There's something here called mango salsa. I don't know what that is. I don't like it."

"How do you know you don't like it if you don't know what it is?"

"I know I don't like it because it's called mango salsa, and I don't know what that is, and I don't want it, and the only fish they have on the menu has fucking mango salsa and it's called catfish and I don't know what a catfish is but I don't like it either. I don't want to eat a cat, I just want to eat a fish."

Shikamaru sighs. "Well they definitely have salmon, they've got it on one of the appetizers. Do you want to just get that?"

"It's salmon kebabs. I can get kebabs whenever I want in Suna. I don't want to eat Suna food in Konoha, you idiots are just going to fuck it up."

"You're being dramatic."

"Don't try and tell me you aren't thinking the same thing."

She's right. There's nothing familiar on the menu. What's a demi-glace? How does it differ from a regular glace? What's a glace, for that matter?

"Have you ever heard of beef medallions?" he asks despairingly. "Or balsamic reduction? How do they shrink vinegar?"

Frowning, Temari folds her menu and puts it aside. "I'm going to leave it up to you. I don't know what any of this stuff is. Figure something out and order it for me."

"I don't know what any of it is either. It's fancy. I don't do fancy, I just do regular." He thinks it over. "What if we just split that salmon thing, and you ate the salmon and I ate the rest?"

"That could work," she says thoughtfully. "I'm going to get a drink, though. I need to drown my sorrows."

"Yeah. I'm going to join you, I think." He doesn't drink often, and when he does he's always miserable the next day, but one couldn't hurt. Even a couple, as long as he paces himself.

\----

An hour and a half later, they're both five drinks deep. Shikamaru sticks to beer, but Temari keeps ordering tiny glasses of something poisonous-looking. It smells like something you'd pour down the drain when your sink backs up. Every time she takes a sip she shuts her eyes and leans her head back, looking like she's just tasted the most delicious thing in the world. It's kind of funny. He likes that face, she should make it more often.

He's thinking some more about how much he likes that face when she leans across the table. "Who's that girl behind you? The one with the glasses? Don't look too fast, be casual."

He looks real slow, all casual. Smooth. 

"Oh, that's Shiho."

"Did I ever fight her or something? Or one of her family members?"

His mind's working a little slower than usual, so it takes a second for him to remember. "Not that I know of. No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure you've never met."

"Well she keeps looking at me like I gutted her puppy, and I have no idea why."

"Oh." This is a little awkward. "I think she used to have, uh . . . " Why is this so nerve-wracking? "Kind of a thing. For me. Romantically."

"Ah." 

"I always pretended I didn't notice. I mean, she's nice and all, but she's just . . . I don't know . . . she's just really nice. Like really nice."

"What a terrible quality. I can see why things wouldn't work out. "

"No, I mean," and how can he put this? "If you were to ask me when I was thirteen, I'd have said she'd be the perfect girlfriend."

Temari frowns, so he tries to explain.

"I used to have this thing about women, like, that they were too bossy and too domineering and kind of scary, and I don't know. Just, too much in general. Overwhelming. Because of my mom, you know? I don't know if you've met her but she's terrifying."

She looks a little sympathetic. "Cruel?"

"No! Not like that. More like, she was in charge. If Yoshino Nara tells you to do something, you do it, or else it's three days grounded, no trial. Ino's kind of the same way. So I grew up with these women who would push me around and tell me what to do and stupid little genin me was fed up with it." He takes a sip of his beer. "So I decided I wanted to marry some sweet quiet girl who would be nice to me but mostly leave me the fuck alone to dick around playing shogi and taking naps."

"And?"

"And I grew up. Mom and Ino get on my case a lot because they love me and they expect a lot from me. I'd rather be with someone who'll kick my ass when I'm being lazy. Someone who wants me to live up to whatever potential they see in me."

He drinks half his beer in one go. Feelings are spilling out of his mouth like blubber from gash in a poached whale. Ugh, now he's made himself hungry. This whole dinner is a disaster. He's starving, and tipsy, and talking about feelings and all that shit. Also the waiter is glaring at them. They probably should leave. He doesn't want to stop hanging out, though, because going home drunk and hungry is going to be boring and it's only just gotten dark out.

"So where are we going to actually eat?" Oh, god bless Temari. She's so great. 

"Uh . . . do you like ramen?"

"I like anything that I can eat within the next ten minutes."

"All right, let's go. I know a place."

He chugs the rest of his beer and she gulps the last of her liquor and the check magically appears on their table and they leave and Shikamaru is feeling good, actually really good, actually fantastic. Life is awesome. He's so hungry he might die. Temari's shoulder bumps into his bicep once, then again, and suddenly she's body-checking him so of course he slams back into her and they start to run, shoving each other back and forth, all the way to Ichiraku. 

He elbows his way in front of her and gets to claim the non-wobbly chair. They both get pork ramen which is not the most expensive but not the least, and it's so good. Oh god, it's really good. 

"Shikamaru!"

Someone is grabbing him. There are hands on his shoulders. What is happening.

"Are you on a date?!"

Oh, it's just Naruto.

"Shut the fuck up."

Temari snorts and then starts to choke on her soup. Somehow she manages to still look dignified.

"You're an idiot. How're you doing? Learn any new tricks?"

"Ahhh, nothing much. I did a lot of sit-ups." Naruto pulls his shirt up. "Check out my abs, aren't they awesome?"

"Yeah, they're great." They are, it's pretty amazing. Shikamaru is briefly jealous, and then he remembers that he doesn't really want to work that hard. But damn. 

Temari doesn't seem interested in anything but her ramen.

"You can touch them if you want, they're pretty incredible."

"I don't want to touch your abs. I'm not an abtoucher. An adament anti-abtoucher." Hah, that was a good one. 

"An avowed anti-abtoucher." Temari is still focused on eating, but she might be smirking a little bit.

"Absolutely." This is really funny. He's having a hard time not laughing.

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" Naruto leans in really close and peers into Shikamaru's face. "Hang on. Wait." He grabs Shikamaru's chin and moves his head back and forth, which makes the room spin a little bit. It's a surprisingly pleasant feeling. "Are you drunk?"

"I am absolutely not drunk. I have had almost literally zero beers. The number is so miniscule that it might be uncountable. I've had practically negative beers tonight."

"You're drunk." Naruto speaks in a shocked, pleased way, like he's cured the common cold. "This is so great, this is going to be so fun. Hurry up and finish, we're going to the bar. I want everyone to see this."

"We're so not drunk it's not even funny. It's so serious. We're incredibly seriously sober and that's the truth." 

"We?"

Temari nods solemnly.

"You guys are both drunk. This is amazing. Come on, hurry up, let's go." Naruto's practically jumping up and down. "You guyyyyyyys. Come onnnn." 

Shikamaru casts a sidelong glance at Temari. She shrugs. It looks like they're going to a bar with Naruto Uzumaki, and they're going to drink more drinks together. That's ok, right? She's technically not in Konoha in any offical capacity, her ambassadorial - is that a word? ambassadoral, ambassadorish? ambassadory? what the fuck ever, who gives a shit - her ambassador duties don't start for another few days, so she's basically a tourist, right? Basically a friend visiting from Suna so it's fine that they go out and get drunk together. Not drunk. Have a few drinks. Just be, like, casual and friendly-style. Wow, this room-spinning feeling is really extremely nice. 

"Ok, I guess, if you're all right with it? We can go? If you want?"

"Let's go. I'll bet you anything Kankuro'll already be there."

Oh yeah, Kankuro. 

They pay and leave and even though they're not shoving each other this time Temari's shoulder brushes up against his arm every so often. It's nice, for reasons he doesn't fully understand. 

Life's real good, right now. Really really good.


	8. Massive nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look what's not dead!

Shikamaru and Temari are following Naruto and then bam, all of a sudden, they're at the bar. Choji is leaning against the building. He gives Shikamaru the patented Akimichi Significant Look but it is no match against the patented Nara Intentional Inattention. He wants to slink inside without getting sucked into some kind of Important Issue but Temari sees her brother and stops to talk. Looks like he won't be able to escape. Shit.

Well, you win some, you lose some. Still, he can try to avoid it for as long as possible.

Temari hugs Kankuro, who tenses in terror. She laughs as she releases him. "Look at you! Look at your little hood and your face paint! You're fucking precious, did you know that?" She tugs at a stray lock of hair that's escaped from his hood and frowns. "You need a haircut, though."

"Oh god, Temari, what's wrong? What did you do?" Her brother looks sick. "Did you kill somebody? If you did, we have to leave _now_. We need to erase the evidence and hide the body. Let's go."

"Idiot. Don't worry so much. There's no body."

Kankuro sags with relief. "So you had the presence of mind to dispose of the corpse. Good. Just tell me, was it anyone important?"

"No, stupid, there's nobody's body. There isn't anybody's body. No body, nobody. Hah," and she's smiling wide and showing a whole lot of very white teeth, she's terrifying, "Do you see what I did there? Anybody's body, no body, nobody's body. It all sounds alike. That's funny."

Kankuro narrows his eyes at her.

"Anyway, I didn't kill anyone, you ass. Am I allowed to tell my sweet baby brother that he's adorable? I think that as the Kazekage's international proxy and favorite sister, I'm allowed to call whoever I want cute, whenever I want." She pauses. "'Whoever I want' sounds wrong. Should it be 'whomever I want?' 'I'm allowed to call 'cute' whomever I want?'" She looks helplessly at Shikamaru. It's the very first time he's seen her look helpless. He's seen her unconscious and even then she looked completely in charge. "How do I say it?"

"Uh, probably the way you did?" He really has no clue. He's good with plans and strategies and games, not, like, talking-stuff. Words. He once told Naruto that they had 'a sort of friendship thing.' He's really pretty awful at communication.

"Temari." Kankuro's voice is full of suspicion. "Temari. Are you drunk?"

"I am absolutely not drunk. At all"

"Neither am I." Her brother looks dejected. "Will you help me out? I mean, buy me some drinks? You're the one with the enormous _per diem_ while you're here, I have to pay out of pocket. Let's get wasted together, it's been forever since we've done that."

It's like someone just told Temari that she's won the lottery. Not a money lottery, Shikamaru thinks, she wouldn't give a shit about that, but maybe some kind of fan lottery. She looks like she just won a lifetime supply of giant fans. Which means she looks excited.

"Oh little brother," and wow, her smile is showing an absolutely impossible number of teeth, "I am going to drink you under the _table_."

Temari and Kankuro disappear into the bar, arm-in-arm, and Shikamaru is about to follow them when wait, wait, something's pulling his hair, oh shit that fucking _hurts_. 

Ah, it hurts because Choji's grabbing his ponytail. Mystery solved.

"Hold it." Choji looks awfully serious. "We need to have a little chat." 

"We do?" Shikamaru wonders what he's done this time. There are a lot of possibilities, unfortunately. He's been a pretty shitty friend lately. Avoidant and sulky.

"All of us. You know how Ino's been really down lately? She won't talk to me about it. She keeps saying she's fine and that I'm not her mom." Choji blows a wayward strand of hair away away from his face. "Obviously I'm not her mom."

Shikamaru nods solemnly in agreement. It's true. Choji isn't Ino's mom, not even a little. 

"You're the strategist, so what do we do? Should we talk to her now?"

It's a good question, and Shikamaru wants to say 'yes'. Team Ino (and it's always been Team Ino, even if Shikamaru outranked them for a little while) is family. Sometimes angsty, usually yelling, always weird family, but still, family. They need each other. They help each other. That's the way it is.

But.

"I'm kind of . . . uh . . . "

"You got drunk with your lady friend."

"No! No, I'm just . . . blurry. I'm a little bit blurry right now."

Choji nods solemnly. "I think Ino left 'blurry' behind about an hour ago. Maybe you're right. It's not the best time."

"Tomorrow?"

"Sure. Let's do something nice, and talk, and then have fun, ok?"

"Man, you're so good at this this stuff." Choji's the heart of the team, the glue that keeps them together. When Ino gets huffy and Shikamaru gets mopey Choji's always there with a bag of chips and a smile. Speaking of bags of chips - 

"I see you looking, and I've got salted seaweed flavor. Wanna split it?"

Of course he wants to split it. It's salted seaweed. The ultimate chip flavor. His favorite.

"You're the best, Choji."

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

They eat chips for a while, and things are damn good. Wait, hold on, rewind - 

"Oh my god, dude, she is _not_ my 'lady friend!'"

\--

Shikamaru walks into the bar and immediately feels out of place. Is this the bar they usually go to? It seems a lot bigger and darker and there's a lot more dancing. It's a grim scene. Shikamaru wishes Temari was around - she'd know what to do. Where'd she go?

His chuunin vest is heavy and uncomfortable and _warm_ , and the bar's interior is steamy from close-packed bodies. He unzips it and wants to shrug it off, but where would he put it? Why is he wearing his uniform to go out partying? Why is he even out partying in the first place? What a stupid fucking decision.

The crowd is dense and constantly moving, and it's difficult to recognize people in the dim light. There's a familiar blonde ponytail up at the bar, and Shikamaru uses it as a guide. Fighting through the crowd is hard, but eventually he makes it.

"Mind if I sit here?"

Ino snorts. "If you can find a chair. Good luck with that."

"That's way too much effort. I'll just stand."

"Suit yourself, but I'm not buying you any drinks. You already owe me money."

"C'mon, I'm broke."

"No you're not, it was payday yesterday. Nice try." She grimaces.  "And stop trying to make a sad face, you look like you're about to puke."

"But I haven't picked up my check yet. Please?"

She rolls her eyes so hard he can only see the whites - when Ino’s drunk, she exaggerates all her mannerisms. "You’re a fucking liar, you've got credit from that whole ambassador guide gig you've got going on. Put it on Tsunade's tab, she won't know the difference."

"I think I'll just put it on your tab. What're you doing tomorrow?"

Ino puts her chin in her hand and looks thoughtful and tipsy. "Probably being hungover. Why?"

"It's supposed to be nice, you wanna go swimming? It's fall, this might be our last chance."

"Did Choji put you up to this?" Even drunk, Ino is disturbingly perceptive. It's got to be the mind jutsus or something. 

"Well, uh. Kind of." No point denying it. "But if we hang out tomorrow, I can pay you back."

Ino knows this is the best deal she's going to get. Hang out tomorrow and get her money, or ditch and pay whatever tab Shikamaru runs. He tries to look super serious as he takes a sip of her beer, but he accidentally inhales a mouthful and starts choking. Ino pounds him on the back. 

"That's what you get, you little thief." She grabs her glass and grimaces. "Gross, Nara cooties."

"The best kind of cooties. The cooties that everyone wants. These cooties are in high demand, Yamanaka. Premium."

"Premium _garbage,_ nerd. Are you trying to wink or are you having a seizure?"

He sighs. "Look, just come hang out with us tomorrow. It's been a while since we got together."

Ino dramatically slumps her shoulders in defeat. "I _guessssss_. Whatever." Small fist pump - victory is victory, no matter how minor. "What time?"

"Uh, I dunno. Ten?"

"You idiot, we're all going to be total disasters tomorrow. Even eleven is pushing it."

"Is noon acceptable?"

"It's your funeral." Shikamaru manages to catch the bartender's eye. "I'll have whatever she's having, just put it on her tab." The bartender slides a pint of beer his way, foam slopping over the side, and Shikamaru just barely manages to grab it. He takes a sip. It's pretty good now that he's not choking on it, and it goes down smooth. 

Ino laughs at his foam mustache and uses her thumb to wipe off his upper lip. "You're a mess. Get away from me, I can't be seen with you. It'd ruin my reputation." Draining her glass, she pushes herself away from the bar and hops off her stool. "I'm gonna go outside and get some air. Go say hi to everyone else, you've been too antisocial recently." He salutes and she nods sternly. "See ya."

Her ponytail swings back and forth hypnotically as she walks away. She's always had great hair. His whole team has great hair. Choji's hair is so long and spiky, it's really cool. Speaking of great hair, he sees Tenten, possibly, or someone with Tenten's hairstyle - no, it has to be Tenten, nobody else can dance like that. The little kicks. It's hard to watch. There's Lee's bowl cut, and Shino's hood. How on earth is Shino wearing his giant jacket in this sauna? The man is a mystery. 

Hopefully some of his other friends are there, because spending time with Lee or Tenten is always exhausting. The combination is an S-ranked friendship mission. He'd talk to Shino, but he's always mooning around Tenten, making lovesick sighs in her oblivious direction. Maybe someday they'll get together. They'd make a nice couple. They could complain to each other about being forgotten by their friends.

He picks up his glass and starts to thread his way through the crowd, but before he can reach them he bumps into a short blonde woman. The collision jostles his arm and he winds up spilling beer all down her back. She spins around, indignant, and - 

Oh. It's Temari. She's taken her hair down and her bangs are sticking to her forehead in sweaty clumps. 

"You fucker! You spilled your - oh." She blinks in surprise. "Where've you been, crybaby? You missed Kankuro hitting on your friend with the dog." 

"Really? Ugh, I'm sorry you had to see that. Kiba is kind of a mess."

"Well, so's Kankuro, so I guess they make a good pair. Ugh, can we stop talking about my brother's love life? It's gross to contemplate and I don't want it to be part of my reality." Temari's swaying a little bit, and her words are almost sense-making but they seem a little bit off. Come to think of it, his senses are a little bit off. Maybe he's the one who's swaying. Maybe the world's swaying. Probably not, though, otherwise everyone would be pretty upset. Through the crowd he can hear threads of conversation: 

". . . so then I started doing sit-ups, yeah? But that wasn't good enough! They had to be more than simple sit-ups! So I did sit-ups on Gamabunta's head, and he got pretty pissed, so I had to work pretty hard to keep doing sit-ups. Anyway I did a lot of them, my abs look amazing, wanna see?" 

". . . begging you, man, don't hook up with Tenten. She'll shit eels straight in your mouth. I'm not kidding, you're gonna come slinking back home with a mouth fulla eels and you're gonna say "Kiha, hewf hee geh hees eefs ow uu ma mouhu". And I won't! You've dug your grave, you're gonna lie in it with a mouthful of eels! Is that what you . . . "

". . . so cute I can't even _deal_ , it's ridiculous. They're so in love, look, she's gonna grab his hand soon and it's going to be adorable and I'm going to _die_ , Hinata, I'd bet every knife I own that she grabs his hand . . . "

There are so many voices it's hard to concentrate. That's an interesting fact, so he tells Temari "Hard."

"What?"

"Hard! To hear!"

"I can't hear you, let's go over by the bar, the music isn't so loud there." She grabs his hand and leads him through the close-packed bodies. 

As he leaves the dance floor he hears one more snippet of conversation:

"- fucking told you, I knew it, look how cute I'm going to _die_ , now give me my money -" and he smiles. Sounds like someone just won a bet. He has no idea what they were betting about but it's nice that someone's happy. Winning's a nice feeling.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Protip: it's cheaper to buy a bottle and sneak it in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE DISGUSTING DRUNK CHAPTER YOU ALL HAVE BEEN DREADING!

Winning is such a great feeling! And Shikamaru is winning so hard right now. More importantly, Temari is _losing_ so hard right now.  
  
The thing he's winning at and the thing she's losing at is a game that Kankuro has invented. Basically, there's a shot. Of alcohol. It's green. And there are turns, obviously, you have to take turns in a game unless it's like, tag or something, and even then you take turns being "It," but then you don't take turns if it's a race but is that really a game? What's a race, really?   
  
"Is a race a game? Or is it like . . . a whatsit? An event?"  
  
They're all outside, doing the shot game on the front deck of the bar, the shots lined up on the railing. There are four. One for each person. Shikamaru. Temari. Tenten. Kankuro. Kiba's there but he won't play because Kiba doesn't drink hard alcohol. It's not that he can't handle it, he just loves beer so much. Kiba should marry beer. Or, like, brew beer. Dog beer. Akamaru loves beer too but he's only allowed to drink it on special occasions. If there was a special dog beer maybe Akamaru could have it? Kiba says Akamaru can drink whatever he wants once he turns 20, so in a couple of years it won't matter, but it'd be cool if there was dog beer. Shikamaru wonders if dog beer would taste like regular beer or chicken livers or grass or hooves. What do dogs eat? Not olives, that's for sure, Kankuro has been trying to feed Akamaru olives all night but Kiba keeps snagging them.   
  
Naruto is watching and laughing about something and Shino's outside too (his insects got kicked out so he left because of bug solidarity and whatever. Shino, come on. Don't let your bugs drink. They always get rowdy and cause a scene.) Hinata is there which is nice because she claps and cheers for everyone no matter whose turn it is. Choji went home. Ino went home. Reminder! Meet Ino and Choji tomorrow for possible swimming and possible feelings-chat! Noon! Don’t forget!   
  
But back to the pressing issue: is a race a game?  
  
"A race isn't like tag, yeah? No turns."  
  
"It's both, stupid. When it's a game you take turns being the timekeeper and if it's a competition you don't take turns but it's not a game. Take your fucking shot."  
  
Temari raises an excellent point. His fucking shot demands taking. If only he could just pick it up and drink it.  
  
Oh, that's the most important part of the game! You're not allowed to pick up the glass with your hands. You can do anything else but you can't pick up the glass using your hands. A lot of people would just use their mouths and kind of slurp it up but you have to drink the whole shot at once and slurping isn't effective. You can just kind of put your whole mouth around the edge of the glass and toss your head back but if you're not careful, it makes a huge mess and you lose the round if you don't drink the whole thing.   
  
It's fun because you've got to do special things to make it work. Everyone was given time to prep so Shikamaru has a bunch of threaded senbons attached to mild explosive tags. He can kind of aim the tags under the glass and send the glass into a controlled launch that he tries to aim at his mouth. It's been successful, sort of. Not great. Better than Temari, though. She's doing the same thing but she's not flinging her head back fast enough or timing it right and she winds up spilling fancy green Suna liquor all down her neck, which is hilarious. She gets so mad and glares at everyone, but mainly she glares at him and he smirks at her because smirking makes her even madder and making Temari mad is the absolute best. Not like, actual mad, but shot-drinking game mad. The charming kind of mad. Fake-mad, which is cute. Cute like a mad toddler, ok? But not cute in a kissing way. That's- that'd be, man, kissing, haha, that'd be so weird and terrible.  
  
"Temari's basically sorta my boss?" he thinks.  
  
"Yeah, and your sorta boss is gonna kick your ass if you don't hurry up."  
  
Guess he said that last bit out loud. Anyway, let's do the damn thing.  
  
The world spirals when he moves his head and his eyes are not really willing to focus so previous methods aren't going to cut it. Time to think outside the box.  
  
He falls into his usual "planning strategy" stance.  
  
"You have three seconds or you forfeit."  
  
Ok, it's time for full disclosure. He's not winning. But who cares, so long as he's not losing to Temari? Tenten and Kankuro are scary-good. Chakra strings, corpse puppets, weird fancy weapons- this whole thing is basically a pre-Hidden Village-style showdown ripped straight from an old-style movie. Also, during Kankuro’s turns there's a lot of bodice ripping. Kiba is thrilled. Tenten is dismayed. Kankuro exudes the confidence of a man with plenty of backup jumpsuits.    
  
But anyway, Shikamaru’s still beating Temari! That counts for something, right? Speaking of counting:  
  
"Three. Two. O-"  
  
No time for strategy. Hand seals! Shadow Sewing Jutsu! Pick up the shot and drink it! Holy shit it tastes terrible!   
  
"NO HANDS!"  
  
"I DIDN'T USE HANDS!" Lies and slander!  
  
"No hand seals! That's cheating!" Temari's furious. She's also pretty. Pretty _drunk_ , is what's pretty. Shut up. She's mad. Pretty mad. Pretty. Mad. Shut up.   
  
Pretty unfair is what she is, because honestly! "Kankuro and Tenten get to use hand seals!"  
  
"But you don't, because I can't, because none of _my_ jutsus are close-range, so you can't use them!"   
  
It's true. She's maybe a super high-ranked jounin, maybe the voice of an allied nation, and ok, she so cool and the best and whatever, but she's not very good at close-ranged combat. He leans in closer.  

Nara Shikamaru is very skilled at shoji. He is a brilliant strategist. When he wants, he can see an enemy's moves laid out like a second-year academy student's homework scroll. This does not mean that he is smart. Not at all. At this moment he has decided to prove that he is very very not smart.

“Maybe if you weren't being such a _baby_ you wouldn't be losing so badly.”

Her eyes are so blue! So green! So green and blue! And so angrily narrowed! She’s so pissed! Oh shit, his stupid mouth is just being stupid and loud and her eyes and the rest of her are just so mad! Crap!

She leans in. He’s going to die. She lifts her hand. He’s going to die. She flicks his forehead. It stings like a bastard.

There is a tense silence, or there would be if Tenten and Kankuro weren't shrieking about chakra string technique. Shikamaru opens his mouth to apologize and is cut off.

“You _know_ you cheated, you little shit! You . . . cheater! You get a punishment.” Some of her hair has slipped across her cheek and into her mouth. “You have to help me on my next turn.”

"O-ok." He has to help her, or she might summon Katamari, and Shikamaru is scared of weasels. One time when he was little, he got bitten by a weasel and he had to get treated for rabies. They look like snakes plus fur plus legs. The stuff of nightmares. Weasels are as terrible as Temari is great.

Wait. Temari, temerity. “I guess I don’t have the _Temari-ty_ to argue,” he says, and everyone avoids eye-contact. Pearls before swine! That joke was solid gold.

Speaking of gold, Temari is tugging the ties from her hair. It's tumbling down around her face and shoulders, shaggy pieces of straw-yellow. Brighter and stronger than Ino's pale platinum. Not prettier, Shikamaru thinks, because Ino has probably the prettiest hair ever, but Temari's is nice and warm-colored.

“Well, if you’re helping me, _help_ me.” Oh yeah, it’s Temari’s turn. Tenten and Kankuro are being impatient because they’re _soooo_ cool and _soooo_ much better at this game even though Tenten probably kisses her knives at night and Kankuro wants to smooch Kiba, who is disgusting.

“What do you want me to do?”

She huffs in annoyance. “The same thing _you_ did, obviously. If you cheat, I get to cheat the same way.”

Her shot sits in front of her, perilously full. He knows he’s going to Get It if he spills any so this will be a delicate operation. Shadow Sewing Jutsu. Pick up the glass. No trembling. No mistakes. Full concentration.

“Ok. Open your mouth.” She does. “Tilt your head back and close your eyes, I don't want to get it in your eyeball.” She does. This is very weird.

He sends shadow tendrils toward her face, getting a sense of where her mouth is in relation to the other shadows holding the shot glass.

At this point Ino or Choji would be crinkling their noses and complaining about how the shadows tickle, but Temari is utterly still, mouth open, eyes closed. He's unfocused, so the shadows start to branch, drifting over her eyelids, her nose, her ears, her neck. He doesn't want to be touching Temari this way, even if he can't really feel it. It's uncomfortable enough when it's Ino or Choji. Temari is -

Temari is different.

For whatever reason, Temari is different.

Her mouth is open, he has a decent sense of where it is, he has the shot glass in his shadow-tendrils and he tips it carefully -

Temari sneezes and green liquor gets everywhere. Tenten shrieks, Kankuro laughs, Shikamaru sighs the sigh of the long-suffering. They have lost. They have lost everything. Everything! _  
_

"Penalty," crows Kankuro, makeup smeared. He looks like an idiot because he is an idiot. "Pen-al-teeeeeeee! Tenten, what's the penalty?"

"You have to go stand in the corner and think about what you've done."

"And you have to stand on one foot."

"And you have to sing the apology song."

Temari rolls her eyes. "I am _not_ singing the apology song, Kankuro."

He makes a mournful, wordless sound, and looks at her with wild eyes. Is he going to kill her? Is this what the Suna siblings call 'bonding'? Murder-eyes?

"Ugh!" She rolls her eyes harder. It looks like it hurts, but Temari is pretty drunk, so maybe she doesn't feel it. She should be careful, though, Shikamaru's mom always says that if he keeps rolling his eyes they'll stick that way. It hasn't happened so far but you never know. "Fine." She hops off her stool and saunters over to the corner of the deck where the railing meets the wall. She almost doesn't stagger at all. Lifting her right leg and grabbing her ankle with both hands, she sways and begins chanting in a monotone.

" _Here's the very sorry song, won't you help and sing along._ "

" _Bum-bum-bum._ " Kankuro actually sings. He's got a not-bad voice.

" _I'm sorry!_ "

" _She's sorry_ "

" _I'm sorry!_ "

" _So sorry!_ "

" _I'm very very sorry that I got caught being bad!_ "

" _Just don't do it anymore you scurvy scalawag!_ "

The whole thing is weirdly cute. It's easy to imagine Temari and Kankuro as children, playing a made-up game, coming up with the apology song and singing it to each other. Shikamaru wonders if Gaara knows the apology song, and if he ever sang it. It's a sad thought, so he pushes it away.

Apology song completed, Kankuro turns his attention back to the shot game. Temari is out, and Shikamaru is so far behind he decides to cut his losses and leave before he gets a penalty. Kankuro's only opponent left is Tenten. It's a boring game to watch - Hinata is a champ for sticking around, but even she's gone now, with Naruto trailing behind her. (It's hard to tel if they're an item - he's so affectionate with everyone, but Hinata's liked him for so long that maybe it's actually a _thing_?) and Kiba and Shino are only sticking around because they want to watch the Object Of Their Affections. Shikamaru wants to get away from the weird sexual tension so he tries to casually stroll over towards Temari. He's pretty successful (except for an almost-disasterous stumble when he takes his eyes off the floor) and after about a million years he manages to traverse the two meters to her corner.

"Hey." Nara Shikamaru, everybody! Master of eloquence!

"Hey."

"So, uh, sorry about making  you lose."

"Eh, whatever. I was the one who sneezed. No big deal." She's wobbling a little, but still valiantly standing on one foot. Impressive. No way Shikamaru could stand on one food right now. He feels a little queasy just thinking about it.

"The sorry song was cute. You suck at singing, though."

"Yeah, I know."

Temari is swaying back and forth now. Almost off-balance. Not quite.

"It was kind of adorable, though." His stomach feels weird. He's saying things that he's thinking but maybe wouldn't want to say if he were sober. She's looking at him. looking at his eyes, in his eyes, and she probably has the best eyes. His are dirt-brown, hers are green-blue, turquoise, teal, aquamarine, other words, other ways to say "nice" and "pretty" and "special" and "scary," and his stomach is flip-flopping, and suddenly she's tilting, tipping over, and she's falling at a weird angle so she reaches out and grabs his shirt and now -

Oh.

He's leaning with his arm braced against the wall and she's got a fistful of his shirt and he's. Leaning over her. His arm out, his face close to hers, she's just short enough (short enough for what?) and he's looking into her bluegreenteal eyes, her mouth is open in an "o" of surprise, his is the same, their faces are close, his stomach is turning and knotting itself and

something

something

something important is about to happen,

and his poor stomach is falling through the floor and he needs to do something, anything at all, she's here and real and close and looking at him with surprise but also more than surprise? Excitement? Anticipation? Fear? Dread?

He's dizzy. The world is spinning. Thank god he's got his hand against the wall, otherwise he'd fall down. His stomach is -

His stomach feels weird.

Shit, his stomach feels really weird.

 _Shit_.

He barely manages to push himself away from the wall before he pukes spectacularly onto her shoes. His velocity makes him tip over and he lands on his back. There is nothing to see but the ancient, dead light of the stars - no comforting clouds to catch his eye.

He has vomited (it's green, _bright_ green, like the liquor they've been drinking) on the sandals of Temari of the Sand. His sort-of boss. The Ambassador of Suna.

Winning is such a great feeling, but Shikamaru is most certainly _not_ winning right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get into these funks, you know? And I start thinking "hey, why bother." And it's not anyone's fault, it's just me being insecure. But there are enough people who seem to like this that I feel it'd be unfair to not finish it, especially when it's the only multi-chapter fic I've actually mapped out.
> 
> So I'll do my best to finish! If you like it enough, leave comments! Tell me what you like and what you dislike! Gentle criticism is welcome (concrit, obviously, but be like, sweet about it because I'm super insecure)
> 
> I'm already working on the next chapter. I'll try to get it out in the next 2 weeks.
> 
> ( The "Apology Song" is lifted directly from Calvin and Hobbes. Hope you enjoyed the reference.)


End file.
